Denial and Sorrows
by AngelsToFall
Summary: Ashanyla uses the Inquisition to try and find her older brother as their younger brother died at the Conclave, what she finds is more than she can handle.


Siblings, they could change someone's world, they'd both changed her for the better, both her brothers. Esmond taught her that Mages could be good, a Circle Mage that loved his life in the Circle, despite not being able to see his sibling's as much as he wanted. Regan taught her strength could always be coupled with compassion. A Templar, a fine, noble and upstanding member of the order, still due to Esmond he held a fondness for mages and saw himself as their protector not their jailer.

They taught Ashanyla much and she carried their lessons with her always, forever glad that she was fortunate enough to be their sister. The middle child, both an older and a younger sibling and whilst yes they all fought at times whilst growing up, calling names and pulling hair, they were children. As they grew they recognise just how lucky they were.

The first realisation of that came when Esmond's magic first showed itself. Instead of fighting it he told his family and said his goodbyes before going with the Templar's to the Circle. It was his place he said, the whole family Andrastian's sworn to the service of the Chantry. Regan was next to leave, for Templar training, leaving Ashanyla at home with her parents, still he didn't mind, she got to see her brothers at times. When her duty at the Chantry took her to the Circle, or even when she simply had free time and would go visit them. Few Templar's would say no to letting her see Esmond, he was an upstanding man and she a loyal Andrastian.

Then the world went wrong, the sky was ripped open and the Conclave, exploded. Ashanyla the only survivor. Among the dead, Esmond. Her darling little brother, at the Conclave with other mages trying to support having the Circle brought back, trying to end the war peacefully. When she heard she was the only survivor Ashanyla had kept it together, she had to be strong then, but later, when she had a moment to herself, it all crumbled away. She screamed, destroyed the small place she had in Haven. Threw the desk, smashed bottles and tore up any paper in reach, tears streaming down her face. He brother, her darling little brother dead. Gone. She failed him. She pulled herself together before leaving the room to go back to work, ignoring the looks she got, half of Haven had gathered to listen in it seems. She didn't care, she was a grieving sister and no one could judge her.

Whilst she'd told some of her brothers whilst at Haven, simple learning about each other, she didn't tell anyone he'd been at the Conclave till Skyhold. The first was Cullen. She'd sat down on Cullen's desk, looking away from him as she spoke. "I told you about my brother, Esmond before right?" She didn't pause to wait for an answer, but carried on quickly, she knew she wouldn't get it out otherwise, her confidence would wain and she would break down. "He was at the Conclave. I can't even hope he never arrived like I can with Decan. I know Esmond was there, we… We talked, caught up and shared opinions on the war, what we hoped the meeting would achieve. H was there… They all died, I… I was the only one to survive… My little brother and I couldn't even…. He's gone." She pressed a hand over her mouth to stifle a small sob and bowed her head, she didn't want to cry, didn't want him to see her cry. As she went to get up and leave a hand touched her shoulder and she froze, slowly she froze, looking over her shoulder to see Cullen close to her. She tried to hold back her tears, yet still they fell. He didn't say anything, no words would ever be enough. They couldn't bring Esmond back after all. He just stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him, in an instant she had her arms around him in turn.

"It's okay to cry." He said quietly and without even realising it Ashanyla stopped holding back, letting herself cry into his chest, sobbing incoherently about how unfair it was, how she wanted her brother back. Cullen just held her through it, rubbing her back gently and letting her cry. When she finally stopped she looked exhausted, mumbling a thanks and was going to go lay down in her Quarters, Cullen stopped her and offered his bed to her, it was closer and she wouldn't have to walk across Skyhold, she thanked him again and went up the ladder, curling up on his bed. In time she told others about the death of her brother, the closest of her Inner Circle. Dorian, Varric, Bull and Cassandra.

With the Inquisition gaining allies and power she asked her advisors to help her find her other brother eventually. It took a while but eventually through combined efforts they found a man matching the description Ashanyla gave. Upon hearing he'd been found she was so excited she didn't even notice the grave looks on the faces of her advisors. Until Cullen walked around the table and took her hands, looking down regretfully. He, Leliana and Josephine had decided before the Inquisitor's arrival that he should be the one to tell her. "Ashanyla, my love, I'm sorry." His voice was gentle and with that simple sentence her world came crashing down, her expression in an instant went from one of excitement to fear and sadness, she thought him dead.

Cullen looked down, he had worse yet to tell her. "He's been seen in a Red Templar camp…" he carried on and she simply shook her head, muttering a quiet 'No' in response, she didn't want to believe it. Cullen went to bring her into his arms but she pushed him away, anger taking over.

"No! You're wrong! He's not! They must be holding him captive! No! He wouldn't…. You're wrong…" she yelled, tears welling in her eyes, Cullen reached out for her but she stepped back again. "Where?! Where's the camp!" She demanded, quickly looking between them all, regretfully Josephine pointed to the location on the map and Ashanyla stormed out. Going to Varric's corner of the Throne room and ordering him to get his stuff and meet her at the gates, she then went into the tower and yelled from the Solas' floor up to Dorian's for him to get ready as well before storming to the tavern, barking at Iron Bull to do so as well before donning her own arms and armour.

All three of her advisors tried to stop her on her way through the Throne room but she ignored them, she couldn't lose her other brother, not like this.

She didn't stop till they were close enough to the camp that they could reach it in a day, only then letting the others rest before getting them moving again, the whole time silent other than ordering them about. None knew what to do, this wasn't like her. They knew a gentle woman, kind and friendly, this was strange.

Now she stood staring at her brother and she couldn't deny it anymore. They'd fought their way through the camp, killing all Red Templar's in their way. Only stopping when only one stood left, the only reason the others paused was Ashanyla, she dropped her sword at the sight of the Templar. "No…" her voice was broken, a whisper almost. "Maker please no…" she fell to her knees, the Templar across from them looked at her with indifference.

"He says you must die… Sister." At the word Ashanyla sobbed no reacting when he charged at her, only due to her companions quick response was she alive. He was quickly met with lighting, arrows and an axe. Not allowed to even reach Ashanyla. Still as his body fell to the floor she cried, crawling forward to pick him up, cradling him to her as she cried holding the dead body in her arms. It was silent for a moment as she started at him, tears streaming down her face. Then she finally reacted, a blood curdling scream ripping from her lungs as she held him tight to her chest. Screaming her lungs out as she held him, tears falling freely.

Varric nodded to the Iron Bull and Dorian and they turned away, weapons at the ready, guarding the grieving woman. Moving to form a triangle around her. When she started to quiet down Dorian went over, kneeling at her side, gently patting her shoulder and moving Decan from her arms to help her up. She let out a whine and Bull came over, picking Decan up, grunting that they'd give him a proper burial, not just leave him there. Ashanyla leant heavily on Dorian as Bull and even Varric dug Decan a grave a small while away from the camp, near a cliff, under a tree, a spot Ashanyla silently pointed out. Dorian let her lean against him without a single complaint, when Decan was laid to rest and Ashanyla said her goodbyes they made their way back to Skyhold in silence.

Her advisors and the rest of her inner circle already awaiting them. She didn't say anything just walking to Cullen, putting her head against his chest. She'd cried so much there and on the way back she didn't think she could cry anymore, but just leant against her. He wrapped his arms around her as Varric and Josephine shooed everyone away, give the two space. Cullen took her hands and slowly led her to her room. She stood absently as he put her sword away and got her armour off her. Taking her hands again he led her to her bed, sitting down and pulling her onto his lap. In an instant she curled up in his arms, her head on his shoulder, arms tightly around him. Cullen rubbed her back gently, arms around her in return. "You were right…" he heard her speak, weak, broken, her voice hoarse from disuse and it broke his heart.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He whispered against her hair as he kissed her temple.

How long they sat there, Cullen holding her, neither knew, it could have been minutes, hours or even a day and neither could tell. Ashanyla's whole world was thrown. Both her brother's dead and fighting a Darkspawn Magister trying to become a God. It took her a while to work through it all in her mind. Cullen sat watching the woman he loved so much and wished he could do so much more for. He feared each day he would lose her and after so much she'd finally broke down. He couldn't blame her and swore to himself he'd stay by her side through it all. Eventually Ashanyla just fell asleep in his arms, Cullen shifting her to lay her on her bed before getting up, she held onto him tightly but he moved her hands from him which got a whimper. Moving carefully he took off his boots, already having taken off his armour and curled back up beside her, pulling Ashanyla into his arms again, holding her close as she slept. Placing a kiss atop her head as he muttered.

"I'll never leave you." Before closing his eyes and letting himself drift off slowly.

Waking the next morning, Ashanyla was somewhat surprised to wake up to find Cullen's arms around her, even more when she looked out the window to see the sun in the sky, usually he was up and working by now. It made her want to smile, she couldn't not yet, but it warmed her a little to know he was there. She curled back up, laying her head on his chest, missing brown eyes opening to glance down at her before closing again. Today she needed him far more than his troops and she needed time more than any needed her help.


End file.
